Taken from my website, Film Focus:
Women say there’s nothing more painful than giving birth. They say us men will never know what it feels like to experience such excruciating and prolonged pain. If what they say is true, that means giving birth is not only more painful than getting a stiletto in the cojones, it’s also more painful than sitting through every agonizing minute of “Juno”. In that case, I don’t know how you girls do it.
Everyone knows what Juno’s all about: teenage pregnancy. 16-year-old Juno (named after the Greek goddess of marriage and childbirth) has just discovered she’s pregnant with the child of mild-mannered friend/boyfriend Paulie Bleeker (mild-mannered Michael Cera). The “A word” is the first thing on her mind but of course, in the end, she can’t go through with it. Instead Juno opts to look around for suitable adopters. With the support of her father (J.K. Simmons) and step-mother (Allison Janney) Juno finds the “perfect” couple, adroitly played by Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner. Along the way, between conception and childbirth, Juno faces hurdles both in her relationship with the future parents of her child and her unusual relationship with the actual father, Bleeker.
To call Juno a coming-of-age story would be completely wide of the mark; childbirth isn’t some rite-of-passage that marks a teenager’s accession into adulthood. Instead Juno is the tale of a young smart-alecky, facetious know-it-all who discovers that the best way to get the guy is to get pregnant with his kid. Forgive me if it’s now me being flippant but Juno has got to be the most irritating protagonist since Jim Carrey last appeared gurning on the big screen. Oh no, Juno is no goddess! Supposedly 16-years-old, she talks in a manner way beyond her years. Yes, she abbreviates every second word like all brats in American movies do, but she also has an acerbic wit and penchant for smart-aleck ripostes that only a screenwriter could have.
Screenwriter Diablo Cody’s win for Best Screenplay at this year’s Oscars only serves to confirm that the Academy get it wrong more often than not. The script is completely devoid of all charm or humour. I laughed once throughout the whole duration of the film. I laughed at least ten times during director Jason Reitman’s previous feature-length effort “Thank You For Smoking” — by my count making it more than 10 times funnier than “Juno”.
“Thank You For Smoking” was one of those films, like an Aaron Sorkin script, that had the actors exchanging rapid-fire ripostes back and forth as happens only on paper. I find this style of writing generally quite hard to come to terms with but at least the dialogue was witty. Juno, on the other hand, is burdened with a script that is not half as witty as it thinks it is and exponentially more irritating than it would like to believe it is. Here’s an excerpt that provides a perfect illustration:
Leah: Yo Yo Yiggady Yo.
Juno MacGuff: I’m at suicide risk.
Leah: Juno?
Juno MacGuff: No, it’s Morgan Freeman. Do you have any bones that need collecting?
Leah: Only the one in my pants…
Juno MacGuff: I’m pregnant.
Leah: What? Honest to blog?
Juno MacGuff: Yeah. Yeah, it’s Bleekers.
Leah: It’s probably just a food baby. Did you have a big lunch?
Juno MacGuff: No, this is not a food baby all right? I’ve taken like three pregnancy tests, and I’m forshizz up the spout.
Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests? That’s amazing…
Juno MacGuff: I don’t know, I drank like, ten tons of Sunny D… Anyway dude, I’m telling you I’m pregnant and you’re acting shockingly cavalier.
Leah: Is this for real? Like, for real for real?
Juno MacGuff: Unfortunately, yes.
Leah: Oh my GOD. Oh shit! Phuket, Thailand!
Juno MacGuff: There we go. That was kind of the emotion that I was searching for on the first take.
“Shockingly cavalier”? “Forshizz up the spout”? You think that reads awful? Well it isn’t any better when the lines are being forced out through the actors’ mouths like acidic bile. It doesn’t help either that everyone talks in the same way with a few exceptions. Good writers give each character a distinct voice. However, this “Diablo Cody” woman (who, in case you were wondering, is an ex-stripper) thinks everyone should talk like her. I can’t imagine anything worse.
However, if I was forced to think of something worse it would probably be having the Juno soundtrack blasted through a pair of headphones taped to my ears. In an effort to boost its “indie” credentials, “Juno” features some of the most cutesy acoustic numbers to ever piss all over a film, the kind that scream “kooky!” over the same drab guitar riffs.
Notwithstanding all the hoopla, I wasn’t that pushed to see “Juno” on its release. After finally giving it a watch I feel like my suspicions have been vindicated. Come to think of it, the film’s only plus point is that it’s mercifully short. Nothing I say will stop some people from thinking of “Juno” as a quirky masterpiece, but that won’t stop me from letting my lone voice of disapproval be heard amid the clamour of adulation.
