Jack on the Moan
C is for Cheese Fries For a few friends of mine, a night out isn’t complete without tucking into a generous portion of cheese fries. Personally I’d rather choke on my own vomit than eat that stuff. Seriously, the world is a worse place since the creation of the late-night staple of drunken students, the cheese fries. Who came up with the bright idea of combining two of the least nutritious, most unhealthy foods into one heart-busting dish? No doubt he was American, but I wonder can he still sleep at night after creating such a monster — a monster that lurks in every late-night takeaway waiting to wreak havok on poor students’ bodies across the nation? Maybe the poor guy simply was unaware of the grave repercussions his invention would have, like the bloke who invented dynamite, or those bright sparks who dreamed up Big Brother? There’s a reason why so many of my peers gorge on cheese fries in the wee hours of the morning (apart from the fact that they’re all steaming drunk after being ejected from the late-night watering holes): it’s cheap. They’re buying cheese fries not because it’s all they’ve ever wanted and more, but because you can chow down a portion of cheese fries and still have enough money to get a taxi home. Considering the humble dish constitutes a tray of shredded cardboard doused in melted plastic, it’s not surprising cheese fries cost so little.  I’ve an idea, though, that could help rid this country of the scourge of cheese fries. How about the government levy an excise duty on cheese fries? That way cheesy fries will be a less attractive choice in the bleary eyes of the drunken student, who might instead opt for a healthier option — like a quarter pounder. There’ll be those who won’t like it, but some of them wouldn’t know what’s good for them if a carrot hit them on the head. So if you’re reading this Mr. Cowen (why wouldn’t he?), forget about the economy and the recession and all that for one moment and take a moment to think about what you’re going to do about the single biggest threat to the well-being of the nation’s people —the cheese fries.

C is for Cheese Fries

For a few friends of mine, a night out isn’t complete without tucking into a generous portion of cheese fries. Personally I’d rather choke on my own vomit than eat that stuff.

Seriously, the world is a worse place since the creation of the late-night staple of drunken students, the cheese fries. Who came up with the bright idea of combining two of the least nutritious, most unhealthy foods into one heart-busting dish? No doubt he was American, but I wonder can he still sleep at night after creating such a monster — a monster that lurks in every late-night takeaway waiting to wreak havok on poor students’ bodies across the nation? Maybe the poor guy simply was unaware of the grave repercussions his invention would have, like the bloke who invented dynamite, or those bright sparks who dreamed up Big Brother?

There’s a reason why so many of my peers gorge on cheese fries in the wee hours of the morning (apart from the fact that they’re all steaming drunk after being ejected from the late-night watering holes): it’s cheap. They’re buying cheese fries not because it’s all they’ve ever wanted and more, but because you can chow down a portion of cheese fries and still have enough money to get a taxi home. Considering the humble dish constitutes a tray of shredded cardboard doused in melted plastic, it’s not surprising cheese fries cost so little. 

I’ve an idea, though, that could help rid this country of the scourge of cheese fries. How about the government levy an excise duty on cheese fries? That way cheesy fries will be a less attractive choice in the bleary eyes of the drunken student, who might instead opt for a healthier option — like a quarter pounder. There’ll be those who won’t like it, but some of them wouldn’t know what’s good for them if a carrot hit them on the head.

So if you’re reading this Mr. Cowen (why wouldn’t he?), forget about the economy and the recession and all that for one moment and take a moment to think about what you’re going to do about the single biggest threat to the well-being of the nation’s people —the cheese fries.

Posted 3 years ago