Hi there, long time no rant. Truth is I was struggling to think of what ‘V’ got on my nerves. Struggling, that is, until…

V is for the Vacuum

The problem with vacuum cleaners is that they are so damn noisy. It doesn’t matter if you have a new shiny Dyson with all the latest bells and whistles, it’s still going to stir up a racket (in fact, with all those bells and whistles it’ll probably be even louder). Listen, I appreciate the job it does but does it have to go about it in such an obnoxious manner? If you’re anything like me, whenever someone turns on the vacuum cleaner you have to stop what you’re doing and instead listen to some soothing classical music before you are overcome with the urge to unplug it and strangle the son of a bitch to death with the power chord!

Just me?

Anyway, so annoying do I find it that I make sure that often I’m the one using it (bear with me). See the thing is it’s not so annoying if you’re the one that’s making the noise. It’s the same with picking your nose or talking with your mouth open—it’s fine so long as you’re the only one doing it. In fact if I was a dictator who could have his every whim turn into reality in an instant I’d forbid everyone from perpetrating such crimes against good manners—everyone, that is, except me. And you thought Hitler had double standards because he happened not to be blonde?

Now I think about it it’s astonishing that some genius hasn’t invented the silent vacuum cleaner. I mean people are forever inventing pointless things—the segway, fingerless gloves, Twitter—and here’s an invention that could actually change people’s lives! Invent a silent vacuum cleaner and it’ll be “Dyson who?”.

By the way, you’re probably wondering what relation does a monkey dressed in a child’s clothes have with a vacuum. None—I just thought it was funny.